What matters is our perception and ability to remain aware of what we are perceiving throughout every experience itself rather than any external detail or accomplishment actually meaning something.

This is something that I've been contemplating a lot lately, that it doesn't really matter what the external circumstances are, as long as I am present and willing to experience them in their fullness.
I have been tested in this idea a lot lately. I've been going through some powerful transformative times that have required me to be deeply present and grounded so as not to lose my shit through all of this transformation.

Let's back track a little, in this past year I have seen the greatest duality at play in my life beyond what I had ever dreamed possible. I have experienced total joy and almost simultaneously absolute utter desperation in a way that is constant, seemingly cynical at times, and ongoing.

In this past year I have: had invasive surgery on my ear, amazingly fallen deeply in love at a completely unexpected time, suddenly had to evacuate my home in Lower Puna (Hawaii) because lava overtook it, then been temporarily homeless for a month, moved four times, co-lead my first epic yoga retreat in Greece, traveled to Colorado with my partner for him to work a festival and subsequently on the last night helplessly watched him fall 14 feet from a loft and dislocate his elbow and break his foot (if you've ever seen someone's dislocated elbow get put back in place let me tell you, it's no joke thing), I cancelled my first ever 300 hour training after hundreds of hours of work creating the content due to uncontrollable factors, and I am currently writing this as a category 5 hurricane dumps 20+" of rain over our heads.

It has been the most epic, and most exhausting year of my life, simultaneously.

Throughout all of these experiences I have focused on not getting caught up in the drama of it all (whether good or bad). Rather I have searched my heart and disciplined my mind to stay present, fully along for the ride (whatever that may be at any given time), and have committed to myself to always always always make the best of every scenario that arises.

This does not mean forced positivity and ten million affirmations pasted on my bathroom mirror to remind me of how awesome I am.

No, when I look in the mirror and feel horrible and depleted like ten cups of coffee can't even save me, I allow myself to feel horrible and depleted and consequently do nothing about it except feel what is arising and follow the internal urge that is naturally arising. If the internal urge is to keep going, I keep going. If the internal urge is to divert course and drop into a much needed nap, I follow it. If the internal urge is to drink ten cups of coffee, I drink one instead because who in the hell drinks ten cups of coffee? If the internal urge is to get three hours of sleep a night, dance until the sun rises, then do three hours of yoga, I follow it.

When I wake up in the morning and feel like it is the best day ever, I allow myself to ride on those feelings and share my joy and exuberance with my loved ones and total strangers and yoga students and homeless people and the chirping birds and all of life.
However, when the 'best day ever' feelings aren't there for me, I don't force them to be there. I follow my internal urges and trust that is the truth in the moment. By following my urge, I am in authenticity.

I allow myself to steep like tea in whatever feelings may be arising. I essentially invite myself over for tea and taste whatever flavor is being poured by the universe. This is my spiritual commitment to myself, to sit with myself no matter what, even when it's uncomfortable.
Something miraculous happens when we are willing to do this. Suddenly at our core, we are at ease in all scenarios. Even through challenging times, when we must outwardly act in ways that push our endurance, patience, and compassion, we can still be at peace with what we are experiencing through our ability to move to our center and witness the unfolding of time. Essentially, this is the art of running towards what we would normally run from.

This little story sums it up.....

Last year I was in Indonesia on a remote island teaching yoga at a friend's surf camp. I woke up in the middle of the night after having an intense nightmare. My heart was pounding, I felt incredibly anxious to the point of a panic attack, I was totally caught in my head, and in addition I had to pee.

As I climbed down the ladder to find a nearby bush, I carefully shone my headlamp on the ladder and the ground purveying the area for spiders, snakes, and scorpions as I made my way out into the open.

I often felt a lot of trepidation waking up there in the night to pee b/c the thought of stepping on a poisonous snake filled me with fear and that night was no exception.

I continued on the trail to find my pee spot, my mind feeling full and burdened, still carefully watching the ground with each step I took. Eventually I found my spot and squatted down.

Suddenly, as I stood up, I had this moment of total pause and stillness in my mind. I took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. There were a billion stars shining and a distant waning moon setting over the horizon of the ocean. It was absolutely stunning.

In that moment all of my fear and burdens fell right off of me. In that moment I felt truly at home, safe, supported and fully present. By Divine grace, in that moment I remembered to be present and aware, and look up.

Every moment is a moment to look up, or in, or around, and feel what is there to be felt. Let it move through you like water, or fire, or air, or nothing at all, and be along for the ride. No matter what. All of it.

Blessed love,

Kristen